It has been a while

I haven't updated in so long because I have been busy living life.  A few calls to the doctor here, an office visit there, and I am still here.  It has been three months...three long months.  I have learned more about coronary artery spasms than I ever thought I would need to.  I follow my blood pressure daily.  I take more meds than I am honestly comfortable with.  I have memorized the list, the dosages, the purposes of each, and the side effects as well.  I carry nitroglycerine with me at all times, and use it more than I would like to admit.  I have finally come to accept the fact that this is my life.  My "new normal", as the nurse puts it.  The doctor had me on the highest dose of meds that he felt was appropriate, then he increased them by 50%, with the statement, "You are one of my most intelligent patients.  You know what these meds will do to you.  You know your body and what to watch for.  Try this dose for a week and let me know how it goes." 

That made me stop and think.  Who is running the show here?  For the last three months, my chest pain and medications have been in charge.  I have been a slave to both.  But I cannot continue to really "live" unless I get back in control.  Prinzmetal’s angina, you are not the boss of me.  I am the boss of you! 

No, that does not mean I don't follow my doctor's recommendations.  No, that does not mean I don't still have chest pain.  No, it does not mean that I am "better".  I will never be "better".  There is no cure.  But I will manage this, it will not manage me. 

Now, I am not so into my newly-found position as "boss of me" to forget who really is in charge.  God had a plan that night, and clearly He thinks my work here is not done, because I am still here.  So, now to continue the work I have begun, and pay attention to His gentle nudges as to what else this life will hold for me. 

On my many times in the car today, to go to the many places my busy life takes me, I heard the song "A More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz twice.  I have liked this song since its release, and have heard it probably hundreds of times (I should check my iPod account).  Today though, a few of the lyrics hit me hard.  "You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do/ So there could never be a more beautiful you."  I was made to fill a purpose...yes, I was.  And God decided to that I am not done fulfilling that purpose, so I continue to live.  And that's what I plan to do....live.  Upcoming posts will again be about kids, church, school, life....

For those interested, here is a link to Jonny's song....
Jonny Diaz- A More Beautiful You

And here are links to a couple of interesting (yawn...) articles on my condition....

http://www.hearthealthywomen.org/index.php?view=article&id=74&Itemid=1&option=com_content

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000159.htm


Now....back to regularly scheduled programming.....